Love and Regrets.

Hey there bloggers. :D

Today I entered the blogosphere to just tell you all how lonely I have been lately and the reason behind it.

So as I said in the last post, things have gotten really weird.
I mean , life is turning complicated.

That's why I blog.
This is the only place where I talk.
Moreover , It's the only place where I talk what I feel.

Things are turning worse by the minute and I really can't express what I feel to anyone now.
I mean, no one actually understands me anymore.
I had someone who did, but I pushed him away.

I may be strong and sometimes, it feels good to know that you are living on your own all fine.
But, at times you actually want someone to cry your heart out to.

I need someone.

Someone who actually understands me and will be there for me.
Someone who won't judge.
Someone who will always love me even at my worst.

I miss having that someone.

Dear love,
Pushing you away was the worst mistake I ever made. I have been regretting losing you ever since you said goodbye. You think I am just ignoring you but actually, I don't know how to face you. After all that I've done, I don't think I deserve even 1% of you. You deserve so much better. I am sorry . I wouldn't even try to take you back.  Just because I think I have hurt you enough for a lifetime. Believe me, you will get someone you deserve but that won't be me. I want to tell you how much I miss you. How much I loved you and how much I would love to have you back but I just don't think I am worth anyone.
Sincerely,
The one who's tangled up on you.

I am so guilty.
I lost the one person who meant so much to me.
I lost my prince charming.

You know what's the worst part?
This time I can't blame anyone. Not even destiny for what happened.
I know all of it was my fault.

This time , prince charming came on his white horse to sweep me off my feet.
He did make me feel like I was his snow white.
He did wake me up from the dead and brought me back to life.
But, I guess I just preferred to hunt in the lonely woods alone instead of having my happily ever after.

So congratulations to me.
I just threw away my happy ending because I wanted to start over but truly, life doesn't gives you a second chance. Neither will love.
Ever.
I hope you're happy past Lakshita. :'/

Talking To The Universe.

Hey there universe!
How ya doin?
I am not at all fine and I hope the same for you bro!

Things have been way too complicated lately.
Life has gotten a bit weird, and that's an understatement.
I swear.
I am not at all exaggerating bro.
And I, being the coward that I have always been, am gonna put the blame of all of it,on you.
Why aren't you being good
Pto me?
I mean, have you vowed to teach me all the painful so called "lessons of life" as soon as possible?
All of them all together ?

I mean come on bro.
Leave some for future me.
Past me has survived them {unfortunately} and present me just cannot handle them anymore.
I know it's a mean and selfish world.
Stop proving it to me again and again.
They aren't gonna change me anyway.
I will always be the same, stupid, spoilt,naughty girl.
I will always be me.
Situations are not going to change me, neither will these jack-asses you are  sending to me.
I will always be the same me.
I am always going to make the same mistakes.
I am always going to trust the wrong people.
I will always hurt myself over and over again due to stupid people.
I am always gonna cry for the wrong people.
You can't change the way I am, do stop believeing you will.
It just makes things harder for me.

Since I cannot warn you, take this as a pleasent request.

Please stop trying to make me realise things I wont believe.
Please stop trying to make me realise Reality.

I like myself in my fairy land a little more.

Please universe, please! Stop doing good things.
Your intention doesn't counts, the effect does.

It's a humble request out of the 6 billion  folks you deal with.
Listen please?
Pretty please?

This letter is just to tell you that things are not at all well and you just have to start changing things.

I live in a world of fantasy, so please keep your reality away for me.

I know it's totally stupid to write a letter to a hypothetical person like you.
But, it's the much needed thing to do right now.
But, I am getting ahead of myself.

So that's it for now.
Please help. Your services are really needed.
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
The one who is seriously disturbed by your actions.

I wrote this letter to the universe approximately 3 days ago when I was getting super bored and annoyed.
And since, I do not know where to send this letter, I am gonna post it to the one place I've always loved.
The one place where I talk.
The one place where I am who I am.
My blog.
<3 

Post script- Stop thinking I am some sort of lunatic. I am just highly disturbed from the past couple of days.
I haven't slept in 3 nights bro.
Beat that.
It's a huge thing for a sleep addict like me.
And People have fucking vowed to annoy me to the farest extent possible.
So well such a crazy blog is the much needed thing to do right now.
It's sort of in-your-face letter to myself just to tell me how much I want to talk to someone.
So, don't judge me.
*Hides behind the curtain*

I am tired as shit and sleepy as fuck.
So well It's only natural if I go and sleep but I wanted to talk before.

Okay, I am getting weird.
Before I get more weird and start sending photos , I must take your leave.
My pillow and my bed is waiting for me.

Tadaaaaa folks!
- Lakshu<3

|RudraSharmaForLifeAndBeyond|

Remember when I wrote that post about "The one's got away." ?

That post brought in a new reader to my blog. 
Rudra Pratap Singh Sharma. 
So, he asked - " Where am I?" 
So I promised him that I would dedicate a full post to him. 
Rudra , here I am keeping my promise.

So 29th September , eh? 
Something special today? 
Hell yess bichaaais. 
Today is the birthday of the cutest , hottest , sweetest , adorable-est friend I ever had. 
Today is Rudra aka Rudy's birthday. 

So , where it all began ? 
3 and a half years back. 
Remember? 
6th. 
We were so fucking weird back then. 
You were hung up on Samiha and well , you , me and harleen sort of created a fun trio. 
Them you're coming to the tuition went on and off and on and off.

But then , you finally came back in 9th. 
Eeeeeee... 
I am glad you came. <3  
And 9th has been so much fun. 
Oh yes fuckers. 
Awesome fun. =D  
I don't know why you don't like blue lays. They're my all time favourite. 
And mister, get an appetite. 
And if you have one, stop pretending you don't. 
Btw, sexy people drink Pepsi, so start drinking it.

I remember all those crazy things we did. 
--The time you invented the dialogue "Bas yahin pe na, yahin pe, tumhaara zyaada ho jataa hain." 
Damn , I love this xD 
--That day we went for hokkah. 
Did I tell you you were looking hot that day? 
--That time, you gave me weird expressions while I was having chicken and you told me to eat it with the bones.Seriously , how can you be a vegetarian? 
--That time we clicked those awesome pictures. 
I hate anmol for deleting them. Seriously hate him. -.-
--That time when I offered you blue lays and you said I don't like them and I gave you a you-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me kindaa look. 
--Those times I taught you maths. Teaching you is fun. Really. 
--That time I met you near sikshaya while you were coming and I was going and you said -"kaha chali anarkali?". I don't know why but that moment is stuck in my mind ever since it happened. 
--That time when you asked me what type of a guy do I like and I said your type. And then you gave me the reaction- "Naaiiicee" in your tone which I am never ever able to copy. -.-
--That time when you, me and Nandini were together in the T.T room doing that model test paper-13 and you both went crazy and I was a little irritated but afterwards me and Nandini started teasing you with Riya's name in front of Manish Sir. 
I so loved that day. 
--That time when I said -"Rudra ke bachche , agar tu 5 minute mein apni computer ki book lekar nahi ayaa, fir dekhiyo" on the phone and you went to Pushkar's place to get his book. 
And we ended up leaving Pushkar's book at Janta book depot :P 
--Those times when you wrote on your hands "80% is the call".
--That time when Giaa wrote Riya's name on your hand. :P 
--That time when you started telling me what actually happened between Riya and you and what that fucktard Vijay did. 
--That time when you , speedy and Shruti clicked pictures without me. :/
--That time when I spoke a little too much about You and Riya this sunday and you said that Batra bakers thing in front of everyone. -.- 
--That time when you, me , Nandini, Shivam and Harsh went to the market and had fruit beer. That was fun too. 
--That time when you said - "Lakshita, 80% dilwaade , bike aa jayegi" and I replied - "Mujhe bhi rides degaa" 
Yes , I am mean. 
--That time when I told you that there's a spare bike at my place but no one is ready to teach me how to ride a bike and  you said -"Abhi nikaal la, main sikhaata hu." 
--That time when you came to the tuition in the summer holidays for dance. When I saw you my reaction was - o_0 Now , who's she? 
LOL, just kidding.  I was damn happy. 
--That Sunday you came to tuition for the first time and we did lines and angles together. 
--Those times you called Katyaini , Kanyakumaari. xP 
--That time when everyone was teasing you because you and Riya ,both were wearing green and you said -"Toh Lakshita bhi toh green pehen ke aaiyi hain." and I said - "I am wearing sea green." and you said -"Toh, tum meri sea, main tumhaara algae" :*
--Today. It was absolute fun. The pictures bro, weren't they just awesome? 
Oh yes , I can go on and on and on.
I ain't no kidding.  
I actually remember all the things we did.


So let's tell you some things I want to confess.
--Everybody thinks you are my crush and I don't know why. :/
--You are Nandini's current crush. (shh.. secret, bro :P)
--Divyansh Arya thinks you are comitted with Pratibha.
--I don't like Mitansh. He is an ass. So dare ever tease me with his name. 
--If I would want to date anyone, I would never go for someone like Mitansh. Tujh jaise ladke kya mar gaye hain? xP

It's always been fun with you. Always.
But dude :/
You missed the scholarship fun, man.
You were really missed in our group.

Seriously Rudra?
Couldn't you go for a better girlfriend than Riya?
I mean, 6 billion girls on this planet and you had to date the girl I hate the most.
Why ?
Couldn't you give me a better name to tease you with?


So you know you're best friends when: 
-You two know all about each others past. Check. 
-You two just don't know each other's
stories, you two have actually lived them with each other. Check. 
-You have laughed a tonn with each other. Check. 
-You have cried for him/her. Don't know about you , but I have. So, check. {You are not allowed to ask why, when and  where.} 
-You both know that both of you are totally Insane. Check. 
So I guess we are kind of best friends aren't we?

Thankyou so much for being there Ruşty. 
I heart you and I always will. 
Here's to the randomest talks, to the trips to the malviya nagar market, to the upcoming hangouts at Ice cafe and spasso, to the tuition fun together, to the unlimited watsapp conversations., to the numerous dialogues, to the typical "Scene banaalo yaar" dialogues, to the Fuck we still 't have a good picture together. 
You have given me every single reason to write down such a huge post for you.

I love you for joining sikshaya namah back and you dare leave it again due to what so ever silly reason.
You are not going back again. 
Btw , the whole fucking tuition thinks we're together. 
Just so you know. 
But let them say what they want to say. 
No one and nothing can come between you and me.
I love you so fucking much.

And one reason why you weren't in the post " The one's who got away" is because you aren't one of them. You are among the few ones who came back.

Got so close this year right? 
I love you and I always will. 
You are mine. Get that? 
Friendships are like tom and jerry. 
They tease each other. 
They knock down each other. 
They irritate each other. 
But in the end, they can't live without each other. 
Will you be my tom?

You will always stay special no matter what.

|RudraSharmaForLifeAndBeyond|

Like I promised, a freakishly long post on my blog . Just for you :*

You owe me some bike rides. :P 
Well it's your birthday , so whatever you want. 
Promise. 
Pinky promise.

Happy birthday. 
Congratulations for your new tab 2. 
And 
Congratulations in advance for your bike. 
Sorry for the teasing with Riya's name. I know you don't like it. 


Happy birthday once again. 
Have a blast. I know you will. 
K. Bye?

And and and,
As I said, 
I love you, fuck them all.

That's him!

I know he's hot. 

Happy birthday Rudra! 

Cupcakes<3

Everyday when I wake up , two faces cross my mind.
They're my constant companians , my gossip girls ,my bitching partners and my duthe log for life.
They're my best friends, my everything.
It's been three and a half years since we met.
Now I actually can't even begin to imagine what and how my life would have been without them.
So many things we've done together, people think we're insane, if only they knew.
In the past , we've had our differences but our friendship still remains the same.
They're the ones who I can trust and confide in.
They're the ones ,I can share everything with.
They're the ones I dance with every summer.
No one can ever replace them.
At times , they're the only people who help me get through the day.
So many captions I have written for them and still words fall short to describe the three of us together.
I feel amazed when I actually think about the moments we have spent together.
3 years and so many moments.
But wait , where have the three of us gone? 
It's been weeks since all three of us were actually together.
Why ?
I don't have the answer.
Because of whom?
I don't have the answer.
But I do have a question - When are they going to be back?
I am so sorry speedy.
I hope it's not too late to apologize.
I don't know what the hell I did that made you go but come back home please?
I am dying to have a chill out and it wouldn't be one without you.
Errrr...
Cheesy much?
Ohh the most definitely.
So my dear duthe log , be back soon.
I am really miss our craziness on streets.
No one has eaten up all my brain since as long as I can remmember and It feels weird.
This is the last attempt ,woth sugar-coated words,  I am gonna make to bring you both back to our town.
Next time , you both get a slap on your ugly faces and kicks on your sexy asses.
 
So do as I say or don't hold me responsible for the consequences you two are gonna have to face.
When I get up , two faces cross my mind.
Yes , I miss hearing them laugh from behind.

Another Night.

My eyes cried a rain last night.
That even the dry dreams got wet.
Sleep cried in the corner of my eyelids.
Even my heart got hurt by the tears.
Guess it's the black season, without sunshine.
The black clouds have come and aren't going anywhere for a long time.

I guess it's sort of a friendship I made with these black nights.
And these black roads have nothing for me except pain.
Don't know how i bear these moments.
Every moment , there's only one thing i say to myself.
You are forgotten.
But then again,
Why did the memories made me cry?

When I miss you,
I hear the words of the memories we spent.
Even the memories ask "Why did you two separate?"
All we got is distance between us.
What was written has happened.
And I have to live with it.
I know you're not mine.

But being yours is the one thing I have always done.

Guilt.Remorse.Greif.

That's somethings I have a lot these days.

Honestly,being a broken hearted is somehow better than being the one who broke a heart.
Breaking a heart is not easy but sometimes it's the only option left.
Yes , I broke a heart and I am not proud of it.
And even though I tried to escape with the utmost dignity,I feel it's all my fault.
I have been a broken hearted and only I know how I managed to put up with a smile those days.
But now that I am the one who broke a heart I can't mend , I feel awful. But I just don't feel that he is mine to take.
Sometimes I think that we don't belong together.
It just doesn't feels right.
Being with him was amazing.
But whenever I ask myself "Do I love him?" , My heart shouts no.
I can't shut my heart out.
After I broke up,  I felt lonely for a few days . I no longer had that one to talk to anytime of the day. I no longer had that one who scolded me for my good. I no longer had those awfully cute messages with all those sugar coated words from him. I no longer had him.
He wasn't mine anymore.
I tried my old trick that doesn't work. I tried to overcome my guilt pretending I didn't care.
But truth is , I did care.
Even though he wasn't the one for me , at times , he was the only thing that got me through the day. Knowing someone out there cares for you and loves you despite your flaws is an amazing feeling.
I no longer had my happy ending.

It's not that this break up has been easy on me. I am filled with pain and guilt all throughout.
Just because I decide to deal with my pain by not crying doesn't makes me selfish.
Just because my eyes don't show tears doesn't means that I don't cry.
Just because I come out strong does not mean that I don't get hurt.
I often pretend to just smile and act strong.
Smiling has always been easier.
Moreover, I don't have any shoulder to cry on these days.
I don't have any ears around here who would hear my heart's pain.
I don't have anyone to cry my heart out to.
I have lost them all.

Yes, I don't cry all the time now.
But every day , every hour, for a minute, you cross my mind and I get lost in the ocean of my anguish and I close my eyes , swallow my tears and let my heart cry in its silence.
Then, I just smile.

Still Searching For The *One*

Same old story.
More on that later.