Guilt.Remorse.Greif.

That's somethings I have a lot these days.

Honestly,being a broken hearted is somehow better than being the one who broke a heart.
Breaking a heart is not easy but sometimes it's the only option left.
Yes , I broke a heart and I am not proud of it.
And even though I tried to escape with the utmost dignity,I feel it's all my fault.
I have been a broken hearted and only I know how I managed to put up with a smile those days.
But now that I am the one who broke a heart I can't mend , I feel awful. But I just don't feel that he is mine to take.
Sometimes I think that we don't belong together.
It just doesn't feels right.
Being with him was amazing.
But whenever I ask myself "Do I love him?" , My heart shouts no.
I can't shut my heart out.
After I broke up,  I felt lonely for a few days . I no longer had that one to talk to anytime of the day. I no longer had that one who scolded me for my good. I no longer had those awfully cute messages with all those sugar coated words from him. I no longer had him.
He wasn't mine anymore.
I tried my old trick that doesn't work. I tried to overcome my guilt pretending I didn't care.
But truth is , I did care.
Even though he wasn't the one for me , at times , he was the only thing that got me through the day. Knowing someone out there cares for you and loves you despite your flaws is an amazing feeling.
I no longer had my happy ending.

It's not that this break up has been easy on me. I am filled with pain and guilt all throughout.
Just because I decide to deal with my pain by not crying doesn't makes me selfish.
Just because my eyes don't show tears doesn't means that I don't cry.
Just because I come out strong does not mean that I don't get hurt.
I often pretend to just smile and act strong.
Smiling has always been easier.
Moreover, I don't have any shoulder to cry on these days.
I don't have any ears around here who would hear my heart's pain.
I don't have anyone to cry my heart out to.
I have lost them all.

Yes, I don't cry all the time now.
But every day , every hour, for a minute, you cross my mind and I get lost in the ocean of my anguish and I close my eyes , swallow my tears and let my heart cry in its silence.
Then, I just smile.